A Long And Rather Pointless Battle With A Spider
by ReDragon37
Summary: Read an' find out!!! (One-shot) (Complete)


Intro: Oooooookay... And this would be my pathetic attempt at a purely humorous Ranma fic. In my personal opinion, it failed miserably. Feel free to contradict that statement. This is just a little something I came up with after listening to "Toy Dolls - Spiders In The Dressing Room".  
  
Disclaimer: Ranma ain't mine. 'Nuff said.  
  
------------{ A Long And Rather Pointless Battle With A Spider }------------  
  
------{ Or: "&*@#@#@*&#!!!!!" for Short }------  
  
It was a rather peaceful day in Nerima...  
  
Okay, you can stop laughing now...   
  
All right, it SEEMED to be a peaceful day in Nerima. The sky was blue without a sign of a cloud and the slight breeze cooled the air to a perfect temperature. The grass was green and the ground was brown. Perfectly normal. Even the Tendo residence was peaceful...  
  
Oh, cut it out...  
  
Soun Tendo and his friend Genma Saotome were playing a game of Shogi. Kasumi Tendo was in the kitchen, preparing the mid-day meal. Nabiki Tendo was in her room, reading her latest manga. Akane Tendo was in HER room, lifting weights. The last resident, Ranma Saotome, was in the family room, watching TV. Or he would have been if there hadn't been a spider dangling in front of it... Yup, a spider. Eight legs, eight eyes, and a brown body with a black spot in the middle of it. A perfectly normal household spider...   
  
Ranma glared at the offending arachnid, "Move." The spider continued to dangle directly in the center of the screen. Disgruntled, he slowly got up and moved over to the TV, where he swatted it away. Or tried to. The spider dropped to the floor just as he swung at it. Glaring at it again, he tried to stomp on it. It moved out of the way. He stomped at it again. It skittered away from his foot. Ranma's glare turned into a -Glare- and he stomped at it yet again, letting out a growl. Getting down on all fours, he swatted at it with his hand again. He missed. His -Glare- evolved into a -GLARE- as he swatted at it with BOTH hands... and missed. Losing his temper, he employed the Katchu Tenshin Amaguri-ken and demolished the floor... but not the spider. Panting, he stared at it with -the Gaze of Doom- as it remained motionless in front of him. It stared back, showing no sign of fear.  
  
Akane finally wandered down the stairs, stretching leisurely, "Ranma? What are you doing?"  
  
He didn't move, "I'm staring down a spider. What does it LOOK like I'm doing??"  
  
She blinked. "A spider?" She wandered over next to him and started to sit down, "Seriously, Ranma. What are you looking at??"  
  
"Exactly what I just SAID. A SPIDER."  
  
Following his gaze, she finally saw what he was talking about, "EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEKKK!!!!!" She whipped out her mallet and slammed it through the floor. Missing the spider. Shrieking, she continued to whack at the spider, missing it and demolishing more of the floor. Finally, it avoided her mallet once more, crawled along it and up her arm. The windows shattered as she shrieked even louder and flung her arm (and the mallet) toward the ceiling. The spider hit the ceiling and bounced off of it, landing on the floor in a ball. The mallet continued through the ceiling into Nabiki's room...  
  
Irritated, Nabiki put down her manga and moved downstairs to see the combined efforts of Ranma and Akane to hit what seemed to be a cockroach. "Really, people. Do you HAVE to go to that much trouble to kill a cockroach??"  
  
Akane kicked the spider off of her pant leg (incidentaly putting a hole in the wall...), "It's NOT a cockroach, Nabiki!! It's a SPIDER!!! And YES!!!"  
  
She blinked, non-plussed, "... A... spider???" Ranma and Akane nodded in unison, pointing at the small brown dot on what was left of the floor. This time the spider headed for Ranma's leg, who pulled his leg out of the way and stomped on it. And missed it AGAIN.  
  
Shaking her head, Nabiki retreated to her room, only to come back out with a fly-swatter. She gestured for the other two to move aside, then carefully aimed, swatted- and missed. The spider leisurely moved over to the table, crawled up the leg and sat smack-dab in the middle of the table. Seeing the perfect chance, Ranma slammed his hand down on the table, cracking it- but missing the spider. Which, after avoiding his hand, crawled ONTO it. Akane screeched again and slammed her mallet (and Ranma's hand) through the table AND the floor, but, you guessed it, missed the spider. As Ranma cradled his hand, the spider skittered along the broken floor and up the wall. Nabiki followed it with the fly-swatter, but continued to miss. Akane threw her mallet at it, but it moved to the ceiling, leaving the mallet to make another hole in the wall. Ranma followed in rapid succession with a jump-kick version of the Amaguri-ken. Unable to take the beating, the wall collasped. The spider clung to the ceiling, untouched.  
  
It was at this point Ryouga Hibiki wandered in, "Could you direct me to- never mind..." He looked around the room, taking in the damage. "Redecorating??" he guessed. The group Shook their heads in response. "Dojo-destroyer??" Shakes again. "So what DID all this??!"  
  
"A spider." came the unanimous reply.   
  
He nodded in understanding, "Ah, I see..."  
  
"Wait. A SPIDER??????!!!" Nods all around.  
  
Ranma pointed with his good hand, "See?? There it is!" Sure enough, there it was, dangling from the ceiling contentedly.  
  
Ryouga cracked his knuckles, "Don't worry, Akane-san. I'LL get that spider for you!" He immediately reached down and poked the floor directly beneath the hanging spider, "Bakusai Tenketsu!!" The resulting explosion littered the ceiling with debri, which stuck for a moment then rained down on the heads of the people below. Ranma shielded Akane, then barked at Ryouga, "JEEZE, Ryouga!! Give us a little WARNING next time!!!"  
  
"Look!! It's still alive!!!!"  
  
------{ Several Hours Later }------  
  
A policeman stood in front of the Tendo compound, which resembled swiss cheese by this point, "I see. And the cause of the all the damage to your home is...?"  
  
A slightly dusty Nabiki stood in front of him, "Uh, I don't suppose you'd believe me if I said 'a spider'?"  
  
"Actually, I would. There's been an outbreak of 'Martial Artist Spiders' lately."  
  
Nabiki stared dumbly for a minute, "... 'Martial Artist Spiders' ????!!!!"  
  
"Yep. Now, about the damage costs to repair your home..."  
  
cccrreeeeeaaaaakkk... ...... gggrrrrroooooooaaaannnnn... ...... rrruuuuummMMBBLLEEEEE... ...... CCCRRRRAAAAASSSSHHHH!!!   
  
"......"  
  
"......"  
  
"... Might I suggest finding a new place to stay?"  
  
Out in the yard, the spider clung safely to Akane's sleeve, who was too tired to do more than twitch in response.  
  
------{ End Story }------  
  
Author's Notes: Not much to say, here. Except maybe I could have put a little more into it, but since this is basicly a spamfic it shouldn't have too much depth. By the way, that ( ) thing isn't my fualt. R & R!!   
  
Hello??  
  
Anyone out there??  
  
Anybody??  
  
sigh 


End file.
